Emotional Math

I am my heart’s worst enemy….

I've sent it on an errand chasing the wrong energy

Picking at my inner G while clutching my friendly

Heart’s on frozen, not chosen, saying “look what you did to me”

Nervous but on the surface I seem calm & cool

But inner make-up says I’m remote & doomed

Not just yet but soon enough

If I keep this up, my calculated tactic to ruin love

Just enough emotional calculation

To leave me here grounded and waiting

Just enough debating and saying

“This can’t be real, he too is playing”

Just enough evidence for Cupid to shoot, to kill

But my heart’s intelligence is ruined by my mind’s ordeal

It doesn't truly matter how he makes me feel or what I felt

I’d drown all of the beautiful evidence with the pond I’ve wept

And just like that my heart would lose to my version of sanity

What my heart calls crazy, my minds screams vanity

An instant panicking; the thought of setting my love free

Because once upon a time it didn't come back to me

So I've been caged and carrying this burden of a lunatic

Fighting this realm of solitude through pure arithmetic

If what I need to believe doesn't add up I move on just fine

But when the right numbers align I pray my heart isn't hard to find

Mind’s blind to the revelations so calculations is all I have

My heart’s past devastations has been my procrastination, my emotional math.

11/13/13

From a Torch to a Match

From a torch to a match…

How someone who once meant everything means little to nothing

And how no amount of fronting can stomach your current functions

You’re good now but you’re screwed up at the same time

Because you’re left a mental note of how you’ll never face a rewind

How you’ll never do that and THAT AND definitely not that again

And now everyone is painted as the bullet you’ll dodge and turn into friends

Just friends because that’s all you have to give
Because igniting a flame and dealing with the remains is just too much to relive

Once a fire starter and the dragon someone once slayed

To a matchbox that’s watered so no flame can be contained

The faint of heart has left no part, better yet no host for it to work

No place for it to ignite so trespassers just keep getting hurt

From a torch to a match…

Sucks that it all has the potential to end up just like that.

-mj*

Dressed Down in "Yellow"

He’s the demolition man

He’s come to enter, devour and absorb my power

Take away my lady deleting my woman one letter at a time

Backspaced my W-O- and froze on my M

As if to say my emotionless frame makes me one of him

One of them; the trick or treat that sneaks into our beds

Slips into our heads just for the sake of being fed

And we fall for the gibberish as if to say it’s cool

Do what you came here to do and leave me un-wooed

You see I’m just food…

Enough to satisfy & get you to the next

Unsanctified so I must oblige because it’s uncommon to not sex

As if we’re bound to surrender to the Ps

Unruly as a generation; it’s our flesh’s mission to be pleased

Desensitized to the knees with hunger in our feet

We’re traumatized but still alive so now it’s a want that we need

Oh yes the woman has needs, tangled in our beliefs

That it’s okay to play a stray because that’s the new thing

As if to say we’re putting our hearts real desires on hold

Because what we require is too scarce so it’s easier to be hoed

But we label it as being bold, fearless and our liberation

That it’s better to be falsely held for a moment versus frustration

Lying to ourselves wearing invisible crowns from our boys

Who has adorned us with gratitude because they always compliment the toys

Being comfortably reduced to nothing, dressed down in “yellow”

Tricked and treated for your services of seducing the fellows.

Mj*

07/28/13

The Starving Heart

Wretchedness in this heart of mine

Beginning to feel unrefined in this lust designed

To drive me to crazy

With so little left to amaze me

Every journey is becoming a bit hazy

Beware of the scarred and uncharted little lady

With a hunger for life but none for mating

A hole in my chest unfulfilled but worth saving

I’m catering damaged goods

With little desire to share them

Because what really is good is labeled as complicated and often scares men

Divorced from misunderstood and married to my solitude

Because every other dude sounds like a lot of dudes

And what their trying to do only feeds into my blues

Famished in their presence leaving me to feel gone and uninspired      

Because their time has expired and there’s nothing left for me to admire

No intimacy, no fire making it easy for me to part

This is the introduction in the diary of the starving heart. 

Mj*

7/22/13

A Million Worlds Away

The wind whispered your name the other day

But Mother Nature’s compass led me the wrong way

I had every intention of finding you, and loving you

But I stumbled upon a knight or so I thought & he’ll do

Temporarily, he keeps me merry as the days go by

Though his presence is no adversary still no sparks fly

So I must miss you, kiss him goodbye, leave a scar on his face

In the shape of my lips; on this trip as my heart skips away

The rain sang to me the letters of your name the other day

But Mother’s Nature’s compass once again led me astray  

I had every intention of finding you, & dining you

But I stumbled upon a servant and his work shall do

Though temporarily, he held on to me carefully keeping my spirits high

Though his presence filled my 14^th of February I still must say goodbye

Because he’s not you, and this illusion has become just a bore

I must embed my name in his heart, depart & search for who I’m meant for

The trees formed a depiction of your face last night

Though Mother Nature has failed me before, the moon says she’s right

With every intention of meeting you & greeting you I fell off track

Thanks to a striking suitor who swore to adore me & never hold back

His presence failed to acknowledge my presence & an adversary he became

A manipulator’s magic broke my habit & left me scarred for loving in vain  

Clearly not you so while the shackles are loose I must flee

Shunning the wind, the rain & the trees for not bringing you to me

Due to my failed missions it seems that you are not in my path

Or maybe a ridiculously uncalculated distance & I failed at the math

My bad judgment has potentially left me love sick

This covenant made to me lives in fear of my tainted confidence

Might as well be a figment of my imagination, a hostage in my dreams

A hero in between chapters of a life that has never been seen

Maybe I’m a victim of unattainable standards that no con can successfully portray   

One day I may amend them but til’ then you’re just a million worlds away    

-Mj*

"Harpo"

Let’s talk truths and reintroduce

What it means to be a passive man and easily influenced too

They may think smart but don’t play hard

Not hard to get to make mistakes and break hearts

Ever since birth they have been cursed

Born on the fence trying to defend their need to hurt

Because it’s either be a fool or play cool

Men are meant to sell their souls before grade school

They’re not fixed and they’re not broke

Just suffering from the man VS ego VS Harpo

Because Harpo loved his love with all his might

But he couldn’t fight the need to follow the wrong advice

So let’s flip scripts and talk real life

Where real men are scarce and tend to never act right

They fake fright and then they take flight

Experts at reverse psychology and making us feel like…

We’re the enemy for our ingested fantasies

And speaking of it so candidly doesn’t mesh well with their vanity

Their painted sanity with fly clothes and even flyer vocabulary

Add a little persistence with a sprinkle of our resistance forces us to believe their ready

And who is to say they aren’t ready; maybe it’s not with you

But numbers don’t matter to a man whose just doing what his fellow peers do

And his brothers too; one doesn’t stop just to avoid scarring you

Imbed the mar in you and set the bar for you

So high that all gentlemen will lie and depart from you

The scars placed the guard so high that’s in space

Leaving your emotions held for ransom so there’s no escape

Anything that a Harpo does he’s sure to go back on

The moment society says it’s not the movement and it’s no fun

To be the one in today’s corrupted generation is labeled too complacent

And what we were once holding onto doesn’t appear to be worth saving

So let’s talk truths and reintroduce

What it means to be the man but too easily influenced to

They’re not fixed and they’re not broken

Just suffering from man VS ego VS Harpo when society has spoken